Happy Birthday, Sawyer & Tristan

This Saturday, February 1st, 2014 was Sawyer & Tristan's 1st birthday in Heaven.

Trae and I talked for weeks about what we wanted to do to make the day special and both agreed that the most important things to do were things that made us feel good in remembering the boys.

One thing we knew we wanted to do was see the medical staff that took care of Sawyer & Tristan in their 6 days here on earth while in NICU.  While Trae and I wish we could have taken the boys home from St. David's NICU, we feel very grateful to have had the medical staff we had while there.  Both boys had dedicated nurses that cared for them so dearly that Trae and I felt they were always cared for and loved as if they were their own babies.  Trae and I picked up a "Happy Birthday" Box of Tiff's Treats and delivered it to St. David's NICU with a note of thanks & celebration in Sawyer & Tristan's name. We got to visit with 2 of the nurses we got closest to, share stories from the last year & give lots of hugs to one another. Walking back down those halls to NICU was so difficult as it brought back all the hard memories from a year ago, but we felt so proud to overcome those fears and hard feelings to see the professionals that brought so much to our life in that hard time.  It felt good to celebrate the boys lives with them & share the good news of their little sisters on the way in less than a month!

Saturday we ate bean & cheese tacos for lunch in memory of the boys.. I craved them & ate them throughout my entire pregnancy with them, so knew I had to have them on Saturday.  We then picked up 6 blue balloons that we brought home & wrote messages on them to the boys that we could release.  We released 2 at home (after Colbie & George gave each balloon a kiss, of course), 2 at our church and 2 in front of the UT tower where we know the boys would have had many good times.

We attended Saturday night church at St. Martins which is held in the chapel, where the boys urn lies in their columnbarium. While we visit the boys in the chapel every time we're at church, it's special to attend church in the chapel and feel close to them.

We then went to dinner with close friends, Kindra & Jack Poage where we had a birthday "cheers" to the boys & remembered fun times we had while pregnant with them and fun times we'll have in the future continuing to remember our sweet boys.

We had many friends reach out to us remembering our boys birthday, which we were so grateful for. 

Our sons continue to be so loved and remembered, which means everything to us.

We miss and love our sons so much and promise to continue their birthday celebrations every year with thier little sisters who will know all about their strong big brothers who fought so hard in their 6 days on earth.

Happy Birthday, sweet Sawyer & Tristan. Until we meet in Heaven, you're forever in our hearts.

Maternity Photos

Trae and I were so excited to take our maternity photos.  I was almost 27 weeks pregnant with the girls and starting to feel a little more confident with every passing day that these girls were healthy & staying put for a while.

It had been a cold, rainy week in Austin and both Jenni Jones, our friend & photographer and I were worried that the weather wouldn't cooperate for our shoot.  The day came and it was cool, clear and beautiful in Austin.. it seemed too perfect and we were so grateful.  

We went to Jenni's special park to take photos and had a peaceful time enjoying our time with the girls, remembering our sweet boys and loving each other as husband & wife.  

Since losing the boys, there have been momentus occasions where both Trae and I have expected to be very emotional once reaching these moments and instead felt a sense of calm & peace that is hard to explain in words.  This photo shoot came with that sense of calm & peace at a time where we were emotionally very fragile.  Trae and I choose to believe that this unexplainable peace & calm is God and Sawyer & Tristan putting their hands on us, actually with us in that moment... letting us know in a way that only we would know, that they were with us.  We are so unbelievably thankful for these moments of calm, these moments of reflection, these moments of love for our boys & now love with our girls.  

We know that Sawyer & Tristan love thier little sisters so very much and believe they were with us, loving them and us on this special day.

An Amazingly large "Thank you" to our photographer and friend, Jenni Jones Photography. 

28 Weeks

Our 28th week was a great one. We celebrated officially being in our 3rd trimester (a first for us), and we were able to celebrate Christmas with both sets of our parents with lots of love surrounding us and all our 4 of our children.

Normally Trae and I are busy traveling between my parents house in San Antonio and his parents house in Glen Rose over the holidays so we can see all our family, but this year we decided to play it safe and have all our family drive to us. Christmas Eve my parents drove in, we cooked dinner at the house and attended a beautiful Christams Eve service at St. Martins Lutheran Church.  Our church is part of our family- we have many close friends that attend, Pastor Pete, the senior pastor was a huge support system when the boys were born and subsequently passed away, and our own sons, Sawyer & Tristan are buried in the columnbarium in the chapel there. We love our church and plan to be lifelong members as we feel very close to our boys everytime we are there, so it was special to attend thier beautiful Christmas Eve service with our boys close.

Christmas Day we opened gifts at my brother and sister in laws house in Austin with my parents and relaxed before my parents drove home. Trae and I went to watch a movie together that evening and discussed how different next Christmas will be with 2 little girls with us.

A few days later, Trae's parents: Sharon & Milton and his sister, Carrie and her family came into town where we all went out to dinner, played card games where I reclaimed my winning title at "Left, Right, Center" for the 2nd year in a row and we all opened gifts.

Trae and I looked back fondly at last years Christmas where we were surprising our families with the news that Sawyer & Tristan were boys. We miss our sons terribly but felt their presence around us all week as we all talked and prayed about them daily. 

How Far Along? 28w6days

Stretch Marks?  Nope!

Sleep? This week sleep has been my only complaint, other than my inability to take off my boots anymore since I can't lean over. Baby A is now breech/transverse so she is feet down with her head in my right side. Its the most bizzare thing- my belly is literally wide because of the way she is laying. Baby B is balled up, also feet down/head up with her head right under my rib cage. When I lay flat on the bed A falls further right which is VERY uncomfortable and B travels further into my ribs which is also painful. Sleep has come with lots of tossing, turning, groaning and experimenting with lots of pillows.  We finally went and purchased a recliner we plan to use in the nursery when the girls are here but for me to sleep in for the next 8 weeks. Can't wait for it to get here!!

Best Moment of the Week? Spending Christmas with both sets of our parents & remembering our boys in different ways with all our family.

Movement? These girls move a lot at night, probably because their used to their mama moving around all day still. The kicks and jabs are getting harder every day and with 4 little legs/feet on my bladder I worry what's to come!

Food Cravings? Spicy food sounds good to me all the time. 

Genders? All Girls!

Symptoms: Sore legs & hips due to my belly growing and poor sleep are my only real complaints. 

Weekly Dr Appt: This week was started by seeing Dr Berry, our MFM where he gave us a 1929 Bronze Coin for achieving our first major goal of making it to 28 weeks! He gives awards for every milestone we reach: 28 weeks (Bronze), 32 weeks (Silver), 36 weeks (Gold).  We are going for the GOLD!!

It was at this appointment we learned that both babies were breech and very long. They were measuring over a week ahead in length and several days ahead in weight. Baby A weighed 2lbs 10 oz and Baby B weighed 2lbs 11 oz.  We were so pleased to hear both girls are growing so well and seem to very very content inside.  We don't see Dr Berry again until 32 weeks, but we will then see him weekly until the end of our pregnancy.

Our new recliner!

Blue Bear ornaments for our Sawyer & Tristan

New ornaments for our girls, located right next to their brothers ornaments

Trae parking my shopping cart I use at Home Depot- he can parallel park even a shopping cart well!

When love turns into a career path...

After volunteering for March of Dimes since we lost the boys in February and becoming close friends with several of the Directors in the Austin office, I was offered a full time fundraising position in July and gladly accepted it.
While working in non-profit was never on my radar before, the job that was offered gave me opportunity to fundraise the March of Dimes mission within my community and be responsible for planning & facilitating one of our top fundraising events of the year: the annual Signature Chefs Auction Gala.  It also gave me the priceless opportunity to walk into an office every day where my peers and those I talk to in the community know me first as Sawyer & Tristan's Mommy.. and second as a March of Dimes employee. I knew there was no where else in the world that I would get that opportunity.

With the Gala in October, I barely had time to walk into my office before work started piling up, but I made sure to hang a few things on my walls that first week: our Team Sawyer & Tristan banner we walk with in the March of Dimes walk, pictures of their tiny footprints at my desk and the white butterflies our Moms carried in honor of the boys at the walk.  Now walking into my office, I see my sons everywhere around me and remember every second why I'm doing what I'm doing with my life.

Ask any brave "Mission Mom" at March of Dimes: talking about your children and the struggle you endured, or continue to endure is not easy. You do it because you hope the process of telling your story is cathardic for both you and others. You hope the words that you're saying strike a chord with someone who is silently coping, or knows someone who is.. so that they know there are others out there that know their pain. More than anything, you hope your personal story helps someone.. and maybe by telling it through the March of Dimes it can help another Mommy & Daddy not have to go through what you went through with the research so many scientists are doing with grant money raised through March of Dimes.  Most importantly you do it... it's a sacrifice that you do for your children.. a way to continue to parent that baby you miss so dearly.

Although many of my days are filled with conversations with lumps in my throat & tears in my eyes, I can tell you that I've never felt more fulfilled by the hard work that I do and I've never felt more of a drive to succeed than I currently feel.

Our Gala was last Thursday:  I worked so hard on this event and was so proud to see it come together. Our office goal was to raise $280,000 at the event, my personal goal (which was gawked at by some coworkers) was $350,000.

We raised over $450,000.

Trae and I walked out of the Gala, me carrying my heels in my hand and Trae holding my hand. We looked at each other the same way as we had so many times before this year: with tears in our eyes, love in our remaining hearts and smiles on our faces before we simply said "I love you."

I consider myself so lucky to have found a home with March of Dimes. My office is filled with lovely souls all coming into work daily with the intent to save lives through their talents.
We hug each other through the good times and the sad and everything in between. I know Sawyer & Tristan would be so unbelievably proud of their parents for finding this new family that loves us and them so much.